A year of deprivation, rethinking, reassembling myself.
In 2022, like many Ukrainians, I ended up in Finland as a result of the war in my country. And from the first days I realised that I was not just in a new culture, but in an active, living culture, which was well
demonstrated by society. People were tolerant and respectful of themselves, each other and the surrounding nature. The relationships they built were based on non-violence and decisions were made after listening to all sides.
It takes extraordinary courage to live through the events that happen dayafter day and to deal with difficult emotions that were previously unfamiliarto the body, but I definitely understand that I do not want to exclude thisprocess from my life, no matter how difficult it is. After all, if I don't tellmyself the truth, no one will be able to convey it to me.
It was very scary and unclear how to experience new emotions, and I hid indepression. Everything scared me: the possibilities, the rapid movement ofthe landscape outside the window when travelling on public transport, andmy ability to manifest. I didn't understand much about my condition.Basically, what I have to do is reach down, touch it with my hand. Only thencan I make the right choices in life. I also understood that I was not in tunewith myself, that I had a certain gap between my lived experience, my ideas,my feelings on the one hand, and my expressions on the other. I understoodthat I had to close this gap, but I had no idea how. I understood the rest infragments, and complex and multi-step actions were not easy for me at all. Iforgot why I had picked up this or that thing. From time to time, I wouldpiece together my memories and make up a story so that I would not forgetwho I was. But sometimes I couldn't understand exactly what exactly hadhappened to me and what they were telling me about me. So I startedwriting a diary.
Trying to overcome the broken connection in perception, I resorted tocountless artistic practices, hoping to meet my unconscious and thus regainmyself. But what frightened me most was not only my inner state, but myinability to make social connections. It's as if the trauma has left raggededges through which I connect with other people, remembering theirhistory, and inserting parts where I can't remember anything. Everything isconfused in my mind. But in this way I can at least overcome the silence. Atthe same time, trying to come to terms with a negative and terribleexperience has become the centre of my thoughts; I try to stabilise myemotions, but they seem to repeat themselves.
Probably the most difficult thing for a human being to do is simply toobserve and accept it as it is. We always distort what we see with our hopes,expectations and fears. In life we come across a lot of things that we don'tagree with, that we don't expect to see: that's why I'm glad I shoot everyday. The camera has no preconceptions, it just records what it sees.
Just like a year ago, I'm still here at the AARK residence, blessed by Renjaand Benkku. Working with my project: Private Diary “No place to return “
